jmfargo: (me)
[personal profile] jmfargo
I'm not who I used to be.

I'm not extremely different from who I used to be but at the same time I'm completely different.

You see, I killed myself.

I was supposed to die. That was the plan. I was supposed to leave for the west coast without any money in my pocket and with nothing more than what I could carry on my back, then I was supposed to disappear in the Washington mountains and wilderness in the middle of January, eventually found by a random passerby.

"Natural causes."

I had to make sure it was natural causes. Frozen to death; stupidity on my part. Not suicide. I couldn't do that to my friends. It'd be easier if I just died, not by my own hand but by my own intention.

Turns out I didn't actually die. Sorry if I spoiled the story for you.

Instead, I found myself meeting person after person who cared. Who helped me make it to the next stop in my journey. I moved forward and when I looked up at the sky at night I huddled deep into my (gifted) down sleeping bag to stay warm while the air was negative ten degrees. I struggled to stay alive. I realized I didn't want to die.

I had given away everything I owned. Moved away from everyone I knew. Got away from the source of the pain. I didn't want to die.

All I had to do was kill off everything I used to be.

I killed myself.

And I came to life.

It's nice to meet you again. I'm Jeremiah. The real me. Finally.
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Date: 2014-03-05 06:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tigrkittn.livejournal.com
Well damn - you got my attention.

Good to see you back again! :)

Date: 2014-03-05 10:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
It'll be fun!

Date: 2014-03-05 06:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bleodswean.livejournal.com
Yes.

Nice to meet you.

Date: 2014-03-05 07:03 pm (UTC)
andrewducker: (Default)
From: [personal profile] andrewducker
Sometimes the problem is the context you are in - I'm glad that changing your context freed you to find something worth living for.

Date: 2014-03-05 10:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
I think that if I were to ever give a speech to a large crowd about not committing suicide it would be that once you've decided to kill yourself you may as well go do ANYTHING ELSE.

Change EVERYTHING about your life because if you're going to die anyway why not try something completely and utterly new?

The context is so much more important than folks seem to realize.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] theun4givables.livejournal.com - Date: 2014-03-06 12:01 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com - Date: 2014-03-06 12:05 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] theun4givables.livejournal.com - Date: 2014-03-06 12:09 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] cheshire23.livejournal.com - Date: 2014-03-13 02:30 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2014-03-05 07:26 pm (UTC)
ext_273745: (Default)
From: [identity profile] goldmourn.livejournal.com
Hello, Jeremiah. Nice to meet you.

Date: 2014-03-05 08:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deza.livejournal.com
Congratulations on finding the real you, and the wisdom to recognize people who truly care.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you.

The funny thing is that the people who I first realized cared were absolute strangers. They went out of their way to make my life easier, not because it did anything for them, but because I was a human being who was (very bad at hiding the fact that he was) in pain.

It has been over two years since I left on that journey now and sometimes I still tear up thinking about the things people did for me.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] jenandbronze.livejournal.com - Date: 2014-03-08 10:17 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2014-03-05 09:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roina-arwen.livejournal.com
Nice to meet the new you. I like your profile pic!

Date: 2014-03-05 10:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you. Personally I prefer this one.

Date: 2014-03-05 10:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jen todd (from livejournal.com)
Hi Jeremiah.

Wow. This left me breathlessly alarmed, wondering if any part or if all of it was true. Regardless, and obviously, maybe the mystery of that is even more striking than the honest answer, I hope that if any piece of it is true, you are as newly content as you seem. I've seen your writing in the past, of course, but we are only tangentially aware of each other. That doesn't mean that I _too_ don't care!

I'm so happy you (the you you are and the you you were) are still here! <3

Date: 2014-03-05 10:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you for the kind words.

I guarantee you that this is 100% true. It's only the smallest part of the story, skipping over a few months and a thousand stories, but it's absolutely the truth.

Sorry to spoil the mystery, I suppose?

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] jen todd - Date: 2014-03-05 10:21 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com - Date: 2014-03-06 02:04 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2014-03-05 10:21 pm (UTC)
ext_224364: (Default)
From: [identity profile] x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com
Hello Jeremiah.

It's nice to meet you. :)

Date: 2014-03-05 11:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] banyangirl1832.livejournal.com
Brief, tidy and powerful. I'm very glad to make your acquaintance.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you for your kind words.

Date: 2014-03-06 01:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sweeny-todd.livejournal.com
I am glad you met those people.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Me too. Thank you.

Date: 2014-03-06 01:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solstice-singer.livejournal.com
It's always good to find oneself. Congratulations, and good luck this season.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you. You too.

I'm still finding parts of myself as it stands but it's nice to know who I am at my core.

Date: 2014-03-06 01:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adoptedwriter.livejournal.com
Welcome back! AW

Date: 2014-03-06 02:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you! It's good to be back.

Date: 2014-03-06 01:15 am (UTC)
ext_432: (Default)
From: [identity profile] zoethe.livejournal.com
And we are all so glad to meet you again.

There were times when I honestly felt like I was talking you off a ledge. I'm glad that your tribe came through for you. Love.

Date: 2014-03-06 02:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
When I was still in Buffalo nobody really talked me off the ledge (though I knew you and others cared - it wasn't about that at the time though, you know?). I NEEDED to walk away in order to walk into my future.

Thank you for everything you did to help me get there and for being my friend then and now. :)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] zoethe.livejournal.com - Date: 2014-03-06 01:09 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com - Date: 2014-03-06 01:59 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com - Date: 2014-03-06 02:01 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2014-03-06 01:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] witchwife.livejournal.com
I loved this. Extremely relateable - especially as another West Coast survivor!

Date: 2014-03-06 02:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
The mountains in January are ROUGH.

I honestly don't know how I lived.

Date: 2014-03-06 01:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ljidolvillian.livejournal.com
My brother took his life Dec 23rd of last year. I will certainly be reading this journal.

Date: 2014-03-06 01:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
You have probably heard this a million times but I am very sorry for your loss.

I do not know what else to say but I will continue to write from my heart.

Date: 2014-03-06 03:25 am (UTC)
ext_61905: (Default)
From: [identity profile] shay-writes.livejournal.com
I always wondered what would happen to me if I did this. Just walked away from the life I had and give up everything.

I look forward to reading more.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Sometimes people don't realize that walking away is an option.

Will there be repercussions? Of course.

But if, as in my case, the other option is suicide, well, walking away is obviously the best choice you can possibly make.

And thank you.

Date: 2014-03-06 05:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarin-girl.livejournal.com
I'm so glad you didn't die! Cause then I wouldn't have gotten to meet you in real life, and also meet Laura and Lois! :)

I get why people sometimes want to end their lives, and I don't want to get into a huge discussion about it, but ending their live might end their pain, but it also ends any future happiness and awesome experiences too, that's all I want to tell people..

*hugs*

Date: 2014-03-07 09:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
*hugs*

Thank you.

This was an Introduction piece for this season's LJ Idol but it was still very much from the heart.

I'm very glad to still be around and to have gotten the chance to meet you. :)

And Laura and Lois, for that matter. I'd not have met them.

Date: 2014-03-07 01:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] snarkerdoodle.livejournal.com
Definitely the most 'holy shit!' intro so far. Glad to have you still with us (in the larger sense), and also with us here in season 9. :)

Date: 2014-03-07 09:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you. I'm glad it got a visceral reaction. I was hesitant to write it but sometimes it's good to put the pain on the page.

Date: 2014-03-07 01:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kathrynrose.livejournal.com
Wow. This made me cry.

I am wordless.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
I am both sorry for the tears, and thankful for them.

Date: 2014-03-07 03:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tatdatcm.livejournal.com
Glad you met people who cared.

Your story touched me.

It's nice to meet you.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you. I'm glad I met them too. There's so much I have left to do on this planet. :)

Date: 2014-03-07 02:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shimmerdream.livejournal.com
That was an incredibly powerful intro. Good to meet you.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you. I appreciate that very much.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gratefuladdict.livejournal.com
I'm really, really glad that you're back.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Me too.

Thank you.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com
Damn. I don't even have words to express what a punch to the gut this introduction is (and that's a good thing - both the punch and the introduction itself). It's nice to meet you, and I'm glad you're still around to meet.

Date: 2014-03-07 09:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad the punch to the gut came through; just thinking about that time of my life punches me in the gut and the fact that I was able to make that come through means a lot.

Date: 2014-03-08 05:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anyonesghost.livejournal.com
I'll be watching your entries this season with great interest. :-) Nice to meet you, and good luck!

Date: 2014-03-08 07:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penpusher.livejournal.com
Wow.

But... I feel I must ask... who are you?

Date: 2014-03-08 07:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
I'm me.

Nice to meet you.
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