jmfargo: (me)
[personal profile] jmfargo
One foot ahead of the other. That was how I moved.

The pack on my back weighed over one-hundred pounds, and I weighed easily three times that amount.

Twenty miles a day over the course of a ten to twelve hour day.

Left foot. Right foot. Left foot.

One step after another. One foot, then the next, moving bit-by-bit. Not measuring in miles, really, rather measuring in footsteps. One. One more. One after that. One. One more. One more again. Counting by ones, up to one, every time.

Pick a spot in the distance. That's where I would rest, once I got there. That's where I would sit down. Not until I get to there but once I got there I'd rest as much as I needed, until I was ready to move again.

Step. By. Step.

Resting, singing quietly to myself, in a world devoid of anyone or anything else. Cars went by but didn't draw my notice unless they honked or stopped to offer me a ride. Otherwise they simply didn't exist; they were outside of what mattered.

The steps mattered. Getting back up from a rest mattered. Getting to the next resting point mattered. Nothing else. When I was hungry, I ate. I stepped and I ate. Step, bite, chew. Step, bite, chew.

Bit. By. Bit.

I didn't want to die anymore but I didn't know how to live. Until I figured that out, I would walk. Maybe each step got me closer to figuring it out. Only one way to find out.

Step.

Step.

Step.

Date: 2014-04-22 08:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elledanger.livejournal.com
You do a really good job of capturing the monotony of carrying on, just how much hard work it is. And most importantly the determination. Well done.

Date: 2014-04-22 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
I fear I made an error in having two very tone-similar posts one after another but it's just what's in my brain right now, you know?

Thank you very much for the kind words; they are really appreciated.

Date: 2014-04-22 09:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elledanger.livejournal.com
Hey, you've got to write what you want to write. And personally I think that there is a lot to be said for consistency and having a 'voice' - it's always really fun when you can pick up a piece of work and know who the author is straight away, and tone is part of that.

Date: 2014-04-23 01:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solstice-singer.livejournal.com
That sounds like quite the journey. I'm glad you've decided to live. Was the journey as helpful as you'd hoped?

Date: 2014-04-23 12:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Without the journey I'd have never decided I wanted to live and probably would have taken a much quicker way of ending my life, just somewhere in secret.

That is to say the journey was worth giving up everything in my life because it continued my life. Definitely helpful.

Date: 2014-04-23 03:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tatdatcm.livejournal.com
There's tenacity in this post. I love that you recognize that one is still progress and can continue on after each step.

Date: 2014-04-23 12:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jfargo.livejournal.com
Thank you. One thing I learned from the walk is tenacity.

Date: 2014-04-23 12:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] catwomon.livejournal.com
I hope you figured it out, or at least enough to make the journey a bit more worthwhile.

Date: 2014-04-23 05:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] itsjustc.livejournal.com
That sounds like quite the journey. I'm glad that you continued on after each step and kept progressing. Did you manage to sort things out?

Date: 2014-04-23 09:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adoptedwriter.livejournal.com
"I didn't want to die anymore but I didn't know how to live."...I like this line. It brings it all around. AW

Date: 2014-04-24 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] violaconspiracy.livejournal.com
I think walking is a pretty powerful way to figure out how to live. I enjoyed reading this.

Date: 2014-04-24 01:51 am (UTC)

Date: 2014-04-24 04:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roina-arwen.livejournal.com
I like the voice in this, and it would appear your Walkabout was helpful. :)

Date: 2014-04-24 02:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eternal-ot.livejournal.com
And one day may be we all would figure out..till then step by step..:) A good take !

Date: 2014-04-24 05:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] whipchick.livejournal.com
Interesting journey!

Date: 2014-04-24 08:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
Sometimes all you have left is persistence, and the hope that if you keep going it will eventually get better and you will eventually "arrive" at a place you'll enjoy being.

It's almost always true, too, so the hope is worth it.

Date: 2014-04-24 10:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] karmasoup.livejournal.com
You’re a trooper, and an inspiration. Pulling for you. In some respects, everyone could use a little bit of this resolve.

Date: 2014-04-24 11:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] n3m3sis43.livejournal.com
I feel like your post is sort of the other-world twin to mine. My hike was (is?) not literal, but I definitely identify. Safe travels.

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