jmfargo: (roscoe)
I am currently living in Rochester, NY with a friend. We left yesterday and got here around 4:30 this morning. I unpacked almost all of my worldly belongings from his Ford Focus in less than half an hour and was as settled in as I could be.

I will be here for an indeterminate length of time. I have no way of really getting anywhere at the moment so if locals want to hang out I am very much willing, but you'd have to come to me. I also have absolutely zero money so hanging out would include, um, watching tv, talking, and, well, hanging out.

I lied. I have exactly $20 left to my name at this point. So I could have A meal.

I need a job. Today I rest, tomorrow I start looking. Any suggestions?

Also, yes. Most of my entire life fits in the back seat and trunk of a Ford Focus. That was a rather startling revelation. I don't know if I'm happy about that (yay! Not much "stuff!") or really sad about it. Which should I be?
jmfargo: (Default)
If you missed it, I'm on testosterone replacement therapy. Every morning I smear a gel into my upper arms and it sits there, cold and smelly, for the next few hours while it seeps into every pore and pervades my being. It's been a week and while I'm not really seeing any changes (I theoretically won't for at least another week) it does help me get out of funks when I feel one coming on. I'm able to tell my brain "Hey, knock it off, we're actually working on fixing you now!"

It doesn't always work, but it helps.

Now while I say I am not seeing any effects from the treatment, I can't be sure there aren't subtle changes. Am I more energetic during the day? Do I feel less fatigued, maybe even a slight change in behavior? Am I seeing weight loss caused by a raised metabolism*?

It's amazing what testosterone really controls! More than just sex drive, it promotes fat burning, muscle building, general energy levels, hair growth (if there's too little, you lose hair; if there's too much, you lose hair; if there's just enough you grow hair). The more I look into it the more I shake my head in disbelief and wish that I had had this blood work done earlier in my life. I have to wonder how my physical and mental states would differ now had I been tested for this five or six years ago.

I'm not pinning all my hopes on this to solve all my problems, regardless of what I said here about finding "The Magic Pill." I know it takes more than just one simple thing to make everything in life better. Still, this is a great first step and I'm hoping to see a general increase in awesomeness from it. Is that really so bad?

Just thought I'd share. I'd appreciate hearing any thoughts on the subject, even if it's "dude, um, this is weird to hear about."

*Nope. I double-checked. Very slight weight gain in the last week. I'm not upset by this as I realize I haven't been as "good" about things as I should be. I'll start working out on WiiFit today. This week I have time to make sure I'm doing all the things I should be doing.


Jan. 14th, 2009 03:19 pm
jmfargo: (Default)
Being someone you're not is supposed to be hard, but I've been good at it for a long time. Change a mannerism here or there, alter the sound of my voice, and I can become a completely different man. Sprinkle in a few affectations and I barely know who I am. The core Me is still there, of course, looking out from behind this stranger's eyes, but even before I started role playing I could step into a different persona at a moment's notice.

Hell, in 5th grade I had most of my classmates convinced that I was actually a twin.

So I've been thinking about changing who I am.

Don't get me wrong. I like me. I'm a good person, and I enjoy who I am for the most part. The most difficult changes have always been the little things; small bits of me that will slip through no matter what. I'm lazy, easily distracted, unfocused. Can I pretend so hard to be someone else that eventually those habits change and become an actual part of me?

Is it possible? I know that most people, when trying to change who they are, tend to go through large shifts, changing life habits around in order to force their mind to change into its new role. What if I can do it the other way? Convince my brain that I'm just playing a character for a while, that it's temporary. Keep pretending in these subtle ways to be someone I'm not, keep playing the game until finally I don't have to use my imagination any more.

Can it be done?

If so, what should I change? My bad habits, that I know of:

1. Lazy
2. Easily distracted
3. Unfocused
4. Over-eating
5. Indecisive

I'd say, in no particular order, those are my worst habits. Can I take on a roll to change them? Who would he be? What would I have to change? Can I play a role that only changes these things, or will doing it change something else too?

Do you think it can be done, or am I crazy? I guess they aren't mutually exclusive.
jmfargo: (Default)
I went to bed last night, and swore that today I'd wake up a new person. Looking at myself in the mirror made me realize that while I like who I am, I don't like what I am. I like that I'm a nice guy with good friends, a great wife, and some fantastic dogs. I like my bad sense of humor, my crazy schemes, and wacky view of the world. I like who I am.

I don't like what I see in the mirror. A slightly balding, very overweight almost-30 guy with no sense of style, no direction.

Okay, granted, I can't see the "no direction" bit when I look in the mirror, but it's implied.

So I swore that this morning I'd wake up different. I would wake up, changed somehow. Positive thinking would see me through the night, and when morning came I'd be a man with drive and ambition, a man with style and grace. I'd be a man who could succeed with his wild and crazy ideas.

Did it work? I don't feel very different. I slept relatively poorly, woke up tired, and didn't want to get up. I'm fighting with my brain about what I should be doing right now; it tells me that I should goof off, while I know I should take a shower, get dressed (in something nice) and get ready to tackle the rest of the day.

Well, my guess is that the change isn't going to be as easy as waking up and, *boom*, I'm different. I'll probably have to work at it. Gah. I hate work, but maybe it'll be worth it.

I'm tempted to erase this. I feel like I rambled to no real point, have no real ending for what I wanted to say, and the point I was trying to make got lost. Still, erasing it is something that the old me would have done yesterday, and no-one would have ever known that I was trying to change myself, my way of thinking, and my life. I want people to know that, or at least want it to be out there so that it could be known.

I'll leave this. I'll post it, and it'll be out there. I'll also go take a shower, get dressed, and do some housework before class. The best way to change yourself is to change your surroundings, I've heard. I'm not moving out of my house, so I'll just change my house a little. It's a start.


Jun. 10th, 2008 11:19 am
jmfargo: (Default)
I've been thinking about life lately. I have a pretty good job that allows me to make my own hours, pays relatively well, and that I do from the comfort of my own home office. I have an amazing spouse, and our two fantastic dogs. I have a home, not just a house. I've learned new skills, and generally am very happy.

So, why do I want to change?

I don't want to change much, really, but in the end, I want to own my own business; I want to renovate our house so that it's more like what my wife and I desire; I wish to train my dogs (one in particular whom will not be named) so that they're better behaved, especially around company. There is this great love of change in my life, and I constantly want to reach for the next level.

I think that's a part of being human.

Who do you know that has everything they want in life, that wouldn't change a single thing about it? Whether we're talking globally about the environment/president/humanitarian aid efforts or locally about weight/job/general life changes. Everyone desires something more, or at least something different.

It's how we continue to grow, even after school, after we find a great job. Even when things are good, we try to change to better. It's why the rich focus on getting more money, or many famous people try to gain more fame. Change is what we thrive on.

That's why, when things stagnate, many folks go into a long chain of depression. They feel helpless, that they can't affect the world around them. Things stop changing, except the time of day, or season of the year, and they feel useless.

I advocate change. Depression has you heading fast into a world of crashing headlong into the ground? Try with all your might to make a change. This doesn't mean you should quit your job and sit around the house all day; that just leads to more stagnation. Instead, find a new place to live, new people to be with, a new job. Get out among your local community, be a face for change, for the goodness inside of people. Or get out on your own to a favorite fishing spot that you haven't been to in years, take some time to relax, to change your location and be who/what you want to be.

Change is the will to live. Don't lose the will, and don't forget to change when you have to. It's okay to be afraid of it. Fear can help us as a fuel to get through the difficult bits, because often it's failure we fear, not the change itself. Use that fear as a reason not to fail, but if you do fail, get back up and keep on changing.

Metamorphosize yourself. As I first heard from David Brady (owner and operator of Insect POD):

"There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly."
-- Buckminster Fuller
jmfargo: (Default)
Too many people coast through their life, always wishing they had the ability to make it different, but never actually trying to get out there and change things. They seem to think that a big change in their life will destroy them, their friends, and their family. They've always wanted to do something big, but always been too afraid to actually make the changes that will get them to where they want to be.

More people need to grab onto life, and realize that just because you're poor, old, in a strange situation, these things don't mean you can't make changes. It might make them more difficult, emotionally, monetarily, physically, or what-have-you, but if you never actually try to make the changes, you'll stay in your rut.

Me? I'm getting in shape. I'm trying hard to be a better person to those around me. I'm starting cleaning up after myself. I'm going to college, and looking into starting another business. Things are good, things are changing. I think the important bit was when I realized that I wanted change, and figured out how to go about doing it.

Do you want a change? Why aren't you doing it then?
jmfargo: (Default)
What drives you?

What makes you realize suddenly that something in your life needs to happen, and so you do it?

Is it friends? Is it family? Or maybe it's just that you're an extremely productive person, always on top of the game?

For me, it's realization. I almost always have to go through some kind of mental hurdle, and realize "Yes, I need to change this behavior." It's just, sort of, a mental pep-talk that helps me look at my life and alter my behavior in such a way as to lead to a better life.

So, what do you do, when you realize something has to change to make your life better? Do you hem and haw? Or do you get right on it? How do you find the courage, the strength, and the drive to get to where you need to be?

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