This started as an email to a dear friend of mine, kimmaline, but I realized at some point that it would make a better post here, for people to see and learn about me. It's something I need to write, as rambling as it may be.
I have so much I'm supposed to be doing today around the house, but am in the exact wrong mood to want to go do them. What I really am in is an inspired mood, and feel like writing. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to take this chance to tell you a little bit more about me, the thoughts and beliefs that shape my every day actions. I'm a little strange, and I like to be upfront with my friends so that if I say something kind of out there they'll at least have a little background on my thought processes to understand at least a little why I am who I am.
I've always been slightly misunderstood and not quite a part of the crowd which was almost always fine with me except during high school, which is difficult for most loners, as I understand it. Even my parents saw me as a little strange, weird, and not the kind of person that fit in. They tried to push me to just go with the flow and get along, but it never quite worked.
See, I don't quite live in this world. It's one of the reasons I love fantasy stories to much - I've lived them my entire life, even before I really knew what fantasy was. I was always the hero as a child, and wanted desperately to be that way outside of when we played Pretend. I wanted to be brave, but I was scared, strong, but I was weak, tough, but I was the first to give up if it looked too difficult. When I started reading fantasy books (Ursula K Le Guin was my first fantasy author) I saw even more what I wanted - not just to be the hero, but to be The Hero.
Instead, I live mostly in this world, where The Hero is a hardworking guy who goes to work and does his best to be noticed by management, works hard, and brings home money to help pay for the house that his girlfriend owns. The Hero is a pudgy, overweight guy who talks a lot about going out and Getting Things Done, but doesn't really ever end up getting there.
The Hero in my mind, though, is the guy that's going to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, the guy who's going to lead hundreds of survivors to safety and find others to save, while at the same time thinning out the herd of zombies that come at us from all sides. He's heroic, he's brave, and he's strong. I may not be strong yet, but I'm also no longer the kid who hides in the corner because a bully might beat him up. I might not go and physically stop someone from breaking into a car, but I'll remember everything I can about the person, watch where they go, and try to keep track of them while I dial 911.
The Hero in my mind snarls at the weakness that won't allow me to rush out there and stop a robber, but he doesn't live in this real world, I have to filter what he would do into real world scenarios. He doesn't know about guns, about pain, about the bad things that can happen. He just wants to rush out there, save the day, and live to do it again. I have to filter that with, well, actually living and doing it again
Who I am and who I want to be have always
clashed for me. I want to be suave, friendly, and loveable, but two out of three have to suffice. I want to be the guy who rushes into a burning building to save the child on the third floor, but I also want to be the guy that lives
, and my rational mind says that those two things just don't go together - that's why firefighters get all that special equipment.
This hero lives here, now, working from a home that his girlfriend owns, making enough money to help out. This hero mows the lawn, takes care of the puppies, and plays roleplaying games with friends. This hero is happy with his life, and almost content, but every now and then, when the weather turns chill and the air darkens to an ash grey that would signify something important is going to happen in a story, the Hero in me tries to get out. "Run," he says, "got out there and do something. Make a difference. Save lives! Win!"
I turn back to my keyboard, maybe typing a little quicker on my transcriptions, pushing myself a little more to get them out, get them taken care of, faster, more, pushing myself.
Because I'm a hero, at least in my mind.