Whether Or Not

It's raining outside again, and the snow is slowly allowing itself to turn into a mush of mud in the back yard. Letting the dogs outside is a chore that now includes wiping all four paws on each dog as they come inside, making sure to get the mud off of their entire body so as not to have them look neglected and covered in dirt. It's definately not a fun job, but dogs need to go outside I'm told, and thus it's a job that must get done.

Jobs. There's a subject I could go on all day about, but I won't. Suffice it to say that I've had a whole slew of jobs, but it looks like I might be headed in the right direction with applying to GEICO recently. I want to work somewhere where I have a possibility of staying for some time, getting stable. That's more important to me than it used to be, and I think a part of it is because I see what you can do for yourself and others when you actually have the money to do it. That, and I'm a little tired of having to answer the question "So, what do you do" with the answer "House husband."

It's a nice roll, house husband, don't get me wrong. I'm actually getting fairly good at the job, with dishes, laundry, painting rooms, watching the dogs, cooking dinner, and other general house stuff. It's nice to get up in the morning and feel as though I've actually gotten something accomplished during the day because I can see that the kitchen is clean, or dinner goes over really well, or many other iterations of that theme. I love seeing that Maria's impressed with the fact that I got through an entire "To Do" list - a task that I never before used to complete, but something that I've been able to do much more often now.

But it's not enough. At the end of the day the house is clean, I'm satisfied, Maria's happy, and things are good. Still, it doesn't bring me any extra spending money, which makes holidays tough, makes spending a little on myself now and then difficult too. No matter how much work I do at home, it still feels like I come to Maria, hands outstretched, begging for every dollar when I feel the urge to buy something, or even when I actually need something to help me do my job better. It's not a good feeling, making me feel like a beggar in my own home, and this is why I need this job.

I will work hard here at home. I will get things done and be diligent, as I have been for the past week or so. It feels good. Still, while three quarters of my brain puts itself to task, the other quarter will be looking towards the future, towards more money, towards getting out of the rut and doing more with my life.

Excelsior!

Thanks A Lot, multicolours! ;)

My thoughts wax nostalgic as I sit here thinking about when I used to be able to curl up in the same room as an old friend and just read a book while they went on with their reading as well. Ocassionally we would laugh, share a passage, or various other little things, but for the most part we would just sit, sharing a companionable silence. Usually we'd have some music playing, something sad but good. Strangely, I remember sharing a lot of sad music with friends, and we loved it.

I don't have that kind of connection with anyone anymore, and while I'm good where I am, it's definately one of the things I miss. So now, here I am, working around the house, listening to sad-ish music and remembering times long past. I'm smiling in my remembrance.

Can you have sad happiness? That's about where I am right now. It's a good feeling, if slightly painful. Strange.