This Is My Life

I am currently living in Rochester, NY with a friend. We left yesterday and got here around 4:30 this morning. I unpacked almost all of my worldly belongings from his Ford Focus in less than half an hour and was as settled in as I could be.

I will be here for an indeterminate length of time. I have no way of really getting anywhere at the moment so if locals want to hang out I am very much willing, but you'd have to come to me. I also have absolutely zero money so hanging out would include, um, watching tv, talking, and, well, hanging out.

I lied. I have exactly $20 left to my name at this point. So I could have A meal.

I need a job. Today I rest, tomorrow I start looking. Any suggestions?


Also, yes. Most of my entire life fits in the back seat and trunk of a Ford Focus. That was a rather startling revelation. I don't know if I'm happy about that (yay! Not much "stuff!") or really sad about it. Which should I be?

Being someone you're not is supposed to be hard, but I've been good at it for a long time. Change a mannerism here or there, alter the sound of my voice, and I can become a completely different man. Sprinkle in a few affectations and I barely know who I am. The core Me is still there, of course, looking out from behind this stranger's eyes, but even before I started role playing I could step into a different persona at a moment's notice.

Hell, in 5th grade I had most of my classmates convinced that I was actually a twin.

So I've been thinking about changing who I am.

Don't get me wrong. I like me. I'm a good person, and I enjoy who I am for the most part. The most difficult changes have always been the little things; small bits of me that will slip through no matter what. I'm lazy, easily distracted, unfocused. Can I pretend so hard to be someone else that eventually those habits change and become an actual part of me?

Is it possible? I know that most people, when trying to change who they are, tend to go through large shifts, changing life habits around in order to force their mind to change into its new role. What if I can do it the other way? Convince my brain that I'm just playing a character for a while, that it's temporary. Keep pretending in these subtle ways to be someone I'm not, keep playing the game until finally I don't have to use my imagination any more.

Can it be done?

If so, what should I change? My bad habits, that I know of:

1. Lazy
2. Easily distracted
3. Unfocused
4. Over-eating
5. Indecisive

I'd say, in no particular order, those are my worst habits. Can I take on a roll to change them? Who would he be? What would I have to change? Can I play a role that only changes these things, or will doing it change something else too?

Do you think it can be done, or am I crazy? I guess they aren't mutually exclusive.

I've been thinking about life lately. I have a pretty good job that allows me to make my own hours, pays relatively well, and that I do from the comfort of my own home office. I have an amazing spouse, and our two fantastic dogs. I have a home, not just a house. I've learned new skills, and generally am very happy.

So, why do I want to change?

I don't want to change much, really, but in the end, I want to own my own business; I want to renovate our house so that it's more like what my wife and I desire; I wish to train my dogs (one in particular whom will not be named) so that they're better behaved, especially around company. There is this great love of change in my life, and I constantly want to reach for the next level.

I think that's a part of being human.

Who do you know that has everything they want in life, that wouldn't change a single thing about it? Whether we're talking globally about the environment/president/humanitarian aid efforts or locally about weight/job/general life changes. Everyone desires something more, or at least something different.

It's how we continue to grow, even after school, after we find a great job. Even when things are good, we try to change to better. It's why the rich focus on getting more money, or many famous people try to gain more fame. Change is what we thrive on.

That's why, when things stagnate, many folks go into a long chain of depression. They feel helpless, that they can't affect the world around them. Things stop changing, except the time of day, or season of the year, and they feel useless.

I advocate change. Depression has you heading fast into a world of crashing headlong into the ground? Try with all your might to make a change. This doesn't mean you should quit your job and sit around the house all day; that just leads to more stagnation. Instead, find a new place to live, new people to be with, a new job. Get out among your local community, be a face for change, for the goodness inside of people. Or get out on your own to a favorite fishing spot that you haven't been to in years, take some time to relax, to change your location and be who/what you want to be.

Change is the will to live. Don't lose the will, and don't forget to change when you have to. It's okay to be afraid of it. Fear can help us as a fuel to get through the difficult bits, because often it's failure we fear, not the change itself. Use that fear as a reason not to fail, but if you do fail, get back up and keep on changing.

Metamorphosize yourself. As I first heard from David Brady (owner and operator of Insect POD):

"There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly."
-- Buckminster Fuller

What drives you?

What makes you realize suddenly that something in your life needs to happen, and so you do it?

Is it friends? Is it family? Or maybe it's just that you're an extremely productive person, always on top of the game?

For me, it's realization. I almost always have to go through some kind of mental hurdle, and realize "Yes, I need to change this behavior." It's just, sort of, a mental pep-talk that helps me look at my life and alter my behavior in such a way as to lead to a better life.

So, what do you do, when you realize something has to change to make your life better? Do you hem and haw? Or do you get right on it? How do you find the courage, the strength, and the drive to get to where you need to be?