This Is My Life

I don't dream about zombies as often as you'd think. I especially don't dream about zombie situations that feel realistic, that wake me up in the night, heart beating hard against my chest, sweat lightly beading on my forehead. Most times the dream is just that, a dream, where as every now and then it's too real, too gritty, nightmarish.

Last night I had one of the worst I've ever had. I remember it clearly, know how it started, how it ended, the feelings it elicited, and even the music playing in the background.

Yes, sometimes my dreams have soundtracks to them.

I wish I knew the first thing about writing a screenplay. This dream is so strong in my mind that I think I could write a rather terrifying movie out of it. By "terrifying" I don't mean the Hollywood version that includes buckets of gore, but instead the kind of movie that you watch and feel fine about afterward. You leave the theater thinking it was a good movie. You get out of your car and start walking to your front door when your brain clicks on. Did you just see movement out of the corner of your eye? Maybe your breathing starts to get a little heavier as the adrenaline kicks in. Is there a zombie around the corner? HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE!?

Oh, it was wind in the tree. Heh. Silly brain.

Seriously, I want to write this movie. Wish I had the talent and know-how.

Three quick updates, and then I'm off to do my morning Wiirkout.

1) This is why I need an artist for my web comic idea:



This picture, drawn by me, showcases the fact that I have NO idea what to do. Okay, you might point out that I've got the generalities right, that he has arms and legs, and a head, but what about hands? Or a freakin' face? Those two things are impossible for me to make look decent when I draw them.

Plus, that little sketch took me about 20 minutes. That's just sad.

2) I'm currently working on upgrading my zombie defense blog into something more than what it is. I'm wondering if Word Press might better suit my needs. Does anybody have experience with the free version?

3) My three favorite fantasy authors are Robin Hobb, Raymond Feist, and Jim Butcher. Terry Pratchett would be in there, but he's my favorite comedic author, so I wanted to make room for someone else.

I just thought you'd like to know something about me that you might not already have known. That, and I didn't actually have three things to say when I started, so I had to come up with something.

1) Hey all! Over at my zombie blog I've got a poll that I'd love to see get some extra results. If you have a minute, would you run over there, check it out, and let me know your answer? I try to put up weekly polls, and get some great info from them, but this one hold a special place in my heart.

2) I've sort of been forgetting to mention that I've had a bunch of photos published over at Insect POD, so here's a list of the last 7:

Cricket
Black Aphids
Other Aphids on a pretty flower
Maria
Fly
Honey Bee
Jumping Spider with a cool story.

Some of those posts have two pictures in them, so make sure to scroll down! (Especially the Black Aphids. David did an awesome job on that with the story and pictures.)

3) I'm starting a new online project, and am looking for submissions. If you're interested in having your dog featured on a premium* website, please feel free to send your pictures to me!

*"Premium," in this particular case meaning "I think it's cool."

EDIT: When it comes to dealing with zombies, I know what I'm talking about. When it comes to walking a long distance with not much on my back, I don't. Tomorrow I will be writing up a much better and more likely packing scenario, assuming I can stuff enough knowledge into my brain to do it. Stay tuned. This is what it looks like when I mess up big-time:



Let's say you're alone, and it's the end of the world as you know it. Let's assume you feel fine and then stop singing that song.

For some reason, after the zombie apocalypse hit, your plan went wrong, and you're not in your bastion of safety that you had told all of your friends to get to. You, of course, have a back-up plan, but part of it meant you had to hole up in your house first, and things outside quieted down.

You've been surviving on your canned goods and bottled water for about a week, maybe a little longer. The power probably went out by now, at least in a localized way if not far-spread. Your little hand-crank radio gives you little hope, though a few people are still broadcasting.

You figure it's time to move. Get out and go to either the fortress you had planned to go to originally, or to a secondary location. You know that if you stay in your house too much longer you're going to run out of food and water, and so it's time to pack up.

What you're able to bring with you is mostly dependent on what mode of travel you plan on using, so let's talk about that first.

A car is most likely right out. Stalled cars, bodies, toppled electrical poles - these things are going to be a huge problem. Plus there's the noise, attracting the attention of any nearby zombie, causing them to swarm, or at least follow you to where you're going. You don't want that.

A motorcycle or small ATV is better for getting in and out of where you need to go, but it still has the noise factor. If you're planning on going out somewhere to the country, avoiding major highways where the pile-ups can make passing impossible, then this might be a good choice for you. The noise, as you leave the suburbs, will become less of a factor, but still make sure you keep an eye out for any potential problems that you might have to deal with after you get to your safe haven.

Walking, if you need to, will suffice. Make sure you have good boots, and understand that you won't have a lot of room to bring things with you, but it's quiet, you can most likely out-pace any zombies in a foot race, and you can go around problem areas. Just remember that if you start getting tracked by the living dead, they can follow through scent, and will not stop coming after you*, so be ready for a fight if you start to get followed.

Then there's the bicycle. It's quiet, can move around objects in the way, and allows for faster travel than by foot. If you're preparing for the outbreak and you have a bike, you've either put on a basket or two for more carrying capacity, or at least have a tow-behind hitch basket. A bike that's good for this kind of situation will have the ability to go off-road as well as on, so mountain bikes are more useful than racing bikes, but both are good. Bicycles are probably the best way to go, and lightweight if you need to transport them over some barrier that you can't go around.

Still, let's assume the worst. You don't have any bike, car, or motorcycle. It's only you and your own two feet, and you have a ways to go. What should you bring with you? How do you prepare? What should you expect?

We'll start with gear.

You're going to be walking, so you need nice sneakers. You don't want anything that's going to give you blisters, and you need the sneakers to have good traction on the bottom. They should give you good ankle support - the worst thing that could happen while trying to outrun creeping doom is that you hurt your ankle. They might be able to shamble quicker than you can hobble, and that's a bad situation.

Tight clothing. Any kind of zombie guide book will tell you that you need tight clothing, and either short hair, or something like a hat to cover your hair. If the zombies do get close enough to grab at you, you don't want your clothing to be working against you. Let's try not to let them get that close though.

A good backpack, camping pack style, suitable for carrying a variety of items. This backpack should fit comfortably, and not chafe your shoulders while you walk. If possible, for the same reason you want tight clothing, avoid using the kind of pack that comes with a belt to help support the weight. It helps you feel like you're carrying less, but in the heat of the moment it can be difficult to unclip the belt, and that can lead to a nasty bite.

The necessities. What do you need to put in the backpack, carry in a pocket, have on hand?

Of course, you need a weapon. If you have a gun, know how to use it, and are relatively sure that you can use it with deadly accuracy, go ahead and bring that. That might come in handy, but be sure you're aware of the noise issue - maybe try not to use it from about a mile near where you plan on shoring up, so as to avoid unwanted visitors sooner than expected.

If you don't have a gun or a projectile weapon (avoid thrown weapons - they just aren't powerful enough to actually damage a zombie's brain), then you're looking at hand-held weapons meant for bashing in a skull or cutting off a head.

I believe, personally, that bashing in is easier than cutting off; less aiming involved, and much less skill.

So, you have a couple of good items that you probably have on hand at your home somewhere. You could use a shovel, a baseball bat (wooden is better than metal), a crowbar, a large piece of wood, a hand axe**, just, whatever you have on hand that's not too heavy, easy to swing, and could cause a good amount of mass trauma damage to the side of a zombie's head. Even a table leg will do, if that's all you have. Just make sure you have something.

The weapon goes in whatever hand you're best at swinging it with. If it needs two hands to swing, just make sure it's on hand at all times.

Assuming temperate weather, here is the rest of your list, you'll note that I've packed enough food and water for a week if you eat and drink liberally. This is in case your safe-hold isn't as safe as you thought it was, and you have to find a new place:

21 fl. oz water - make sure to drink 3 per day.
OR
A water purifier, and clear knowledge of where you're going to get your water (streams or lakes nearby, etc)

Canned food - 14-21 cans of vegetables, beans, anything that doesn't need to be heated up.

Can opener
Blankets
Toilet paper - yes, I know it's the apocalypse, but that doesn't excuse horrible hygiene.
Whistle - this is to be used only in an emergency, when you believe help is nearby to draw their attention to you.
Hand-crank radio
Flashlight with red cellophane cover - only to be used in an emergency. The red cellophane is so you don't lose your night vision.
Matches/lighters
First Aid Kit
(Ammunition)

These are the absolute minimum. If you have more space, bring more, but no personal items, nothing you can't use - it's vital that you keep yourself as light as possible, even as heavy as this pack is. Bog yourself down with too much, and within the first hour you'll find yourself inattentive to what's around you, sweat pouring in your eyes, and zombie food.

You're going to be carrying pounds and pounds of stuff in your backpack that you're probably not accustomed to carrying with you when you go for a jog, walk, or run. To get used to this, I suggest you start practicing. Get on a treadmill with a backpack that has all this equipment in it (minus any weapons, as you should try to be as safe as possible when your life isn't on the line), and see how far you can go. Then make sure you can go farther - you never know how long you'll have to go when there might not be any safe havens for miles.

What am I missing? What would you bring with you? Would you try to supplement the canned food by hunting on your own? Would you bring jerky with you instead, seeing as it's lighter, but at the same time more expensive and doesn't last as long?

How far do you have to go to get to your safe house? How long can you keep on the run?

Good luck. I hope to see you there, when the zombies are in our streets.



*Unless they find easier prey, which could be a good thing for you, bad thing for someone else.
**My personal favorite. Use the blunt side for striking, and the other side for whatever you may need it for - getting into buildings by cutting through a lock, removing obstacles, etc.

So, where will the zombies come from?

George Romero, well known zombie expert and apologist (have you seen Land of the Dead? Bah!), believes that the staggering zombie hordes will be caused by radiation from outer space that revives recently deceased humans and causes them to have a deadly spittle that is passed on to other humans when they are bitten. The bite is not what makes the person a zombie, but what kills them, thus causing them to rise as a zombie from the radiation.

His theory has merit in that we are constantly exploring the universe, and it's always throwing new things our way, but I think that if it were a form of radiation, it would probably have more of an effect on living tissue than dead, and we'd have more to worry about than zombies. At least zombies can be defended against by the common man if diligent. Radiation is a whole other problem.

The creator of The Zombie Hunters, obviously well-versed in the hidden lore of zombies but a little caught up in the fantasy of it all, believes that zombies will be caused by a virus of some kind, spreadable through bite and saliva. This, to me, is the most probable cause, and the kind of cause that I tend to focus on when talking about zombie defense. I don't believe all corpses will rise, only the infected.

The Resident Evil line of thought would have you believe that the virus is even more fantastic than the one above, and could spread through various types of animals, mutate humans, and cause worse monsters than even zombies. Fast monsters that can walk on walls. I hesitate in calling most of the creatures made in this line of survival-skills-teaching media zombies, as they are mostly simply monsters. Still, these games can teach you the basics, like finding the blue and red gemstones to put into the raven's eyes in order to get a better gun.

The Zombie Survival Guide (the currently most complete and well-written zombie survival guide available) also believes that the zombie virus is passed on through the general means and that it is a virus, not radiation, or genetic manipulation. The end result of the virus is simply zombification, no mutation or change. For the most factual accounting of zombies, aside from this blog, this book is where to go to read it.

What other theories are there? Millions*, I'm sure. I've looked at those I could find, and my best guess is that it will be a man-made zombie virus that mutates slightly, and gets loose. I just pray that it will never mutate enough to get airborne. If it does that, the only way that humanity will survive is if enough people are immune to it, otherwise we're all doomed.

So let's just hope the zombies can only transmit it through biting. That, we can fight against.

Let's go kill some zombies.

*Hundreds? At least ten?

I was listening to a record here at work tonight, and in the background I happen to catch the words "Ebola," followed closely by "Outbreak" and "Switzerland."

Nothing on Yahoo News yet, and Google wouldn't have had time to pick anything up.

Can anyone confirm? "Ebola" and "rabies" are two of my major watch words for that thing I'm constantly obsessing over, and each is dangerous even without them around.

So what is a zombie? When I say "Zombie Apocalypse," exactly what am I talking about?

Basically it's broken down into three or four main categories. I figure you have:

Fast zombies, like those in the box-office semi-hit 28 Days Later, which can run at high speeds, usually have greater strength, and an enormously high pain threshold. These are also normally thought of as "raging humans." Their bite transmits the disease, or blood, or spittle, or maybe just something in the air.

These are not zombies.

Intelligent zombies, that wait in the shadows for you, before they jump out in ambush as you go after the one they left in the light as bait for you. These zombies can be fast, slow, or anything between, but normally they show signs of intelligence by turning door knobs, remembering things from life, and generally anything more than an animal of very low intelligence could figure out. Their flesh can be dessicated, or pristine, but their brain functions on more than just the predator/prey instinct.

These are also, not zombies.

Slow, unintelligent, dessicated husks of what was once a person, shambling from place to place, only reacting to signs of life, and then still only shuffling forward, hands outstretched, mouth hanging slack, letting out an unworldly moan as it comes for you?

These are what I mean. These are zombies. A good solid door could withstand one of these creatures. Plexiglass could keep one out of your house without any issue. Door handles are the most complex mystery in the world, and if they cared about mysteries, they'd be stumped.

So, why the hell would anyone be afraid of a slow moving zombie that can't even slide open a sliding door?

Numbers and relentlessness. That lone zombie, banging at your door, smelling your scent wafting from inside the house, will never stop. Never. The only way it would stop is if another food source was nearby and it noticed that. Then it would be back at the door or window, hands smashing, clawing, and grasping. It's low moan echoing through the streets, calling to others of its kind.

Others of its kind. There's the other major problem. Where you had one trying to get through the picture window at the front of your house, suddenly you have 5. Their weight alone makes the glass that could take a sledgehammer blow bow slightly inwards. Still, it took a sledgehammer when the sales guy showed it to you, so you should be fine, right?

What about when suddenly, one morning you wake up, and there's 15 out there? All 15, never stopping, never needing sleep, and never ceasing their moaning, calling more and more, all for just you, you and your family.

With enough pushes, almost anything will pop out of place (a window is only as strong as the wall around it, after all), or shatter, or give out in some way. Fences, doors, windows, none of these things will keep you safe from 25, 50, hundreds of the recently undead that are coming for you.

That, then, is why you have to be afraid. That is why you have to learn to fight back properly.

The Horde is coming. You must be prepared.

Are you?

Let's imagine that you're a smoker. We might not even have to imagine. You've heard that it's a dirty habit, it's killing you, and that you should quit now. Maybe you've even tried to quit, but it's too hard, the nicotine cravings have your hands shaking and your lungs quivering for that next burning suck. Maybe you're looking at a cigarette right now thinking "One more won't hurt, I'll just take one more little puff."

Now imagine that cigarettes are free, you just have to go get them. Free, you just have to go in the store, grab a bag, and load up! Really, no problem, just get as many as you want, and grab a lighter too if yours has gone out.

Of course, there's the zombies to contend with, but that shouldn't be a problem, right? Sure, one bite and you're as good as dead, but that sweet sweet nectar of life is worth it, right? I mean, afterall, the zombies are taking over the place and getting people left and right, it's not like smokings going to be the thing to kill you, might as well light up!

I'm here to tell you differently.

What's the number one complaint about smokers, aside from that "death" thing from lung cancer and second hand smoke? It stinks. Get someone who has been smoking for a year and they reek of it, their breath, their clothes, hair, bodies, everything. After about a year even showering doesn't completely cleanse the body any more of that smell. More than a year and they start to actually exude the smell, not just up close.

What is we talk about with zombies that makes them so deadly? Other than their bity-ness and their ability to tear you limb from limb I mean. They use every sense available to them at its fullest. The smell of a smoker, actively smoking or not, will draw them like honey. They'll swarm when the faintest wind picks up the smell of a newly lit cigarette, and suddenly your safehouse isn't any more and you have to move on. Unfortunately you're leading them on with the scent of smoke and nicotene, and they'll just keep coming. They're relentless.

So I'm here to tell you that smoking won't kill you in the post apocalyptic times of the zombie Hordes. It's not going to give you lung cancer and second-hand smoke isn't going to kill. What will kill will be the zombies it attracts, lurching forward, inexorably searching, sniffing the air, coming on always, simply not stopping until they find the source of the smell they know means humanity. Smoking won't kill, zombies will. Do you want to do this to your loved ones in the Afterwards? Because remember, they're not just coming after you, they're coming after every single person with you. Congratulations, you had to have that smoke, and you've killed everyone you're with.

Want another puff? Quit now, your life depends on it.

Supposedly over the next couple of nights there is supposed to be a series of meteor showers caused by an "unusual comet." This bit of news comes from one of Maria's coworkers, and though I can't quite verify it I have been reading some interesting things when I found out about the comet 73P/Schwassmann-Wachmann. This was the one that NASA was busy about a while ago convincing us that it wasn't going to collide with the Earth. I'm not saying that I distrust NASA, but it was right around that time I started learning all I could about canning food and warding off radiation.

Remember folks, radiation is not your friend when it's just running around all willy nilly!

I have been accused of pontificationg too much about zombies, and I feel that for the sake of brevity I will keep this brief:

If rocks from outer space start hitting the ground the time is there to start moving to where you're planning on holing up. If something has happened to your main point (like, say, a huge chunk of glowing green rock crashed through the roof) move on to safety elsewhere.

Keep an eye on the skies folks. If the government isn't the cause of the Zombie Apocalypse, something from the skies will be, most likely.

The Zombie Apocalypse is coming, and with it, the Horde. The Horde will shamble, creep, and limp its way onward towards whatever food source it can find, starting with the humans that they once were. In desperate situations, when needing simple substance, their disease-riddled minds will allow them to feed on each other and on animals that they are able to catch.

There are seven things to remember about the zombies that make up this creeping Horde:

1. They are stronger than you. Not because their muscles are any better than yours, and not because they are given super-human strength by being "undead." Strength of the zombies comes from a constant PCP-like effect, allowing them to use the full potential of their muscles without any regard to personal injury. They can crash through doors, shatter windows, and rip doors from their hinges with their bare hands, if only through persistance and tenacity. Where you or I may give up because of bloodied hands caused by glass or repeated beatings on a wooden door, they will not give up.

2. They are faster than you. At least the ones with legs. They will not tire, or stop to gasp for breath. At no point will they stop pursuing your fleeing form. Their legs will not stop moving at their relentless pace until well after a normal human would have to stop. Their muscles do not know "tired," they only know the final stage of "exhaustion." They will chase you until their legs literally cannot run any longer, and that's much longer than you can run.

3. Zombies have eyes, but they also have scent, hearing, and an acute sense of what is edible. The eyes of the zombie are secondary in importance to their hearing and scenting abilities. Their human brains no longer cloud their sensory imput, and so these abilities become just as powerful as sight, if not more so. Just because it doesn't have eyes doesn't mean it won't see you sneaking nearby. This also means that the dark of night doesn't grant you the cover that it grants them.

4. These creatures are not sneaky. However, this doesn't mean you will hear them coming. Movies would have us believe that Zombies are constantly moaning and groaning as they slink their way towards us, but truthfully there is no reason for them to make any kind of loud verbal noise beyond the expellation of air from dessicated lungs. They will crash through barriers, making much noise, and their feet slapping pavement will easily be heard if listened for, but you cannot expect to hear their pernacious laments fill the air as they come from around a corner. This is why constant vigilance will be so important.

5. They have one overriding goal that precludes them from doing anything else: They want to kill you. They don't want to maim you, hurt you, or escape from you when you start chopping off their limbs and killing their friends. They want to eat your flesh, and convert you to their ways. Nothing but their destruction will stop them. Nothing.

6. You cannot count on a Zombie opponent to "make a mistake" when attacking you. They have no plan, no finesse, and no right way of doing what they are trying to do (see #5), so they will never make a mistake in their fight for you. Their lives mean nothing to them, they fight haphazardly, using unhuman-like strength and driving will to simply press into you, ignoring your attacks.

7. The Zombie Menace can be ended. The zombies can be destroyed. There is hope.

Here you can find my reason for creating this series. This series will continue, every Monday, detailing information about the encroaching enemy, about what to do when it happens, and about what we'll do when it's all over, or at least almost all over.