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Forbidden Desires
Mar. 21st, 2006 09:12 amI don't talk much about it any more, because every time I mention it it seems something goes wrong with what I'm trying to do, but I still want to go to college. I want the experience that so many of my friends have gone through, and I want a piece of paper that proves I'm smart enough and have enough drive to make it through what seems to be an endurance trial more than an education. I see friends who have gone through it, and those friends of mine that are still in it, and I shiver when I think about all their trials and tribulations; the late night study sessions, the crazy professors that expect you to learn every last detail about what they teach but then only test on 1/10th of it, the papers longer than your tallest friend's arm, and everything that goes along with these soul-crushing, mind-burning worries. Frankly, I'm not sure it's all worth it if you can't find some kind of way to put it all together into a real life career, and the vast majority of my friends that have that little paper have jobs that have nothing to do with it.
But still, I want to go.
What do I want to do, though, is the question on my mind. I think about all the different fields I could get into, and none of them, well, very few of them, reach out and grab me. Lately I've had some urgings in a direction I never thought I'd consider taking, but it's still there, inside of me. A part of me wants me to consider going to culinary school. I like to cook, but like so many things in my life, what I like and what I am good at do not coincide. I mean, sure, I can whip up meals that people enjoy (like the New Potatoes and Ham in a creamy Rosemary sauce I'm making for tonight) but coming up with a completely new creation is almost beyond me, and cooking "outside the margins" blows my mind away.
So, that's a thought. Learn to cook. There's the other thoughts too, of course. I want to learn to draw, I want to learn to program computer games, I want to learn to be a better writer, I want, I want, I want. Where will they lead though? Besides the video game designer courses and maybe writing, none of these have any more real life connotation to them beyond simply learning how to better do the things I love to do. I'll never cook professionally, drawing is the kind of field where you have to know somebody or be very lucky (and frankly I'm not sure I could ever be good enough to make money through art), and the other two are just dreams. If I wanted to spend thousands of dollars to get better at things that won't help me professionally, I could pay for one-on-one tutoring.
When does reality kick in?
"Become a programmer, Jeremiah." That's what my mind says. "Do something practical." But like always my heart combats my mind and in dreamy little bubbles sings a quiet tune that becomes a gale-force wind in my mind, scattering these practical thoughts.
"Do what you love."
Which do you choose in your life? The practical, or the possibility? Do you have any advice? Or maybe you know somewhere where I can be a video game designer that makes games about cooking, who writes a book on his life with hand-drawn illustrations, and I'll make millions doing this? Maybe?
But still, I want to go.
What do I want to do, though, is the question on my mind. I think about all the different fields I could get into, and none of them, well, very few of them, reach out and grab me. Lately I've had some urgings in a direction I never thought I'd consider taking, but it's still there, inside of me. A part of me wants me to consider going to culinary school. I like to cook, but like so many things in my life, what I like and what I am good at do not coincide. I mean, sure, I can whip up meals that people enjoy (like the New Potatoes and Ham in a creamy Rosemary sauce I'm making for tonight) but coming up with a completely new creation is almost beyond me, and cooking "outside the margins" blows my mind away.
So, that's a thought. Learn to cook. There's the other thoughts too, of course. I want to learn to draw, I want to learn to program computer games, I want to learn to be a better writer, I want, I want, I want. Where will they lead though? Besides the video game designer courses and maybe writing, none of these have any more real life connotation to them beyond simply learning how to better do the things I love to do. I'll never cook professionally, drawing is the kind of field where you have to know somebody or be very lucky (and frankly I'm not sure I could ever be good enough to make money through art), and the other two are just dreams. If I wanted to spend thousands of dollars to get better at things that won't help me professionally, I could pay for one-on-one tutoring.
When does reality kick in?
"Become a programmer, Jeremiah." That's what my mind says. "Do something practical." But like always my heart combats my mind and in dreamy little bubbles sings a quiet tune that becomes a gale-force wind in my mind, scattering these practical thoughts.
"Do what you love."
Which do you choose in your life? The practical, or the possibility? Do you have any advice? Or maybe you know somewhere where I can be a video game designer that makes games about cooking, who writes a book on his life with hand-drawn illustrations, and I'll make millions doing this? Maybe?
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