Mar. 5th, 2014

jmfargo: (me)
I'm not who I used to be.

I'm not extremely different from who I used to be but at the same time I'm completely different.

You see, I killed myself.

I was supposed to die. That was the plan. I was supposed to leave for the west coast without any money in my pocket and with nothing more than what I could carry on my back, then I was supposed to disappear in the Washington mountains and wilderness in the middle of January, eventually found by a random passerby.

"Natural causes."

I had to make sure it was natural causes. Frozen to death; stupidity on my part. Not suicide. I couldn't do that to my friends. It'd be easier if I just died, not by my own hand but by my own intention.

Turns out I didn't actually die. Sorry if I spoiled the story for you.

Instead, I found myself meeting person after person who cared. Who helped me make it to the next stop in my journey. I moved forward and when I looked up at the sky at night I huddled deep into my (gifted) down sleeping bag to stay warm while the air was negative ten degrees. I struggled to stay alive. I realized I didn't want to die.

I had given away everything I owned. Moved away from everyone I knew. Got away from the source of the pain. I didn't want to die.

All I had to do was kill off everything I used to be.

I killed myself.

And I came to life.

It's nice to meet you again. I'm Jeremiah. The real me. Finally.

April 2017

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