Nov. 2nd, 2014

I'm Okay

Nov. 2nd, 2014 11:47 am
jmfargo: (me)
Writing is how I process things that happen to me. Sharing them on Livejournal or any social media is sort of the same thing; I get feedback and see things in different ways. It's a good trade-off even though I often feel a bit attention-whorish. Okay, a lot. I like writing for an audience and getting responses. What can I say?

That being said, my posts here and on Facebook seem a little bleak lately. I feel low quite often, weak, broken, and a whole bunch of other things. Today I feel like gravity is extra-specially heavy just to keep me from standing up or picking up stuff. I feel extra weak.

But I'm okay.

I'm not great but I am definitely okay. I can feel myself getting better most days. Maybe today I'm feeling a bit heavy but I can think pretty clearly and focus on things without wanting to take a nap every hour. Maybe yesterday I was especially tired but I was strong enough to leave the house and enjoy all-you-can-eat sushi for lunch. Seems small but believe me, it was a victory. At the end of lunch my hands were shaking and my manual dexterity was so low that I couldn't use the chopsticks any more but I ate as much as I wanted and enjoyed myself. That's a victory.

I'm pushing myself a little bit every day. Today I think I'm going to go to Costco with Laura and get some groceries. I can't walk the whole thing (I can do about one aisle, I would guess, before needing to sit down) and will have to use one of the electric scooters like I did at the store the other day but I'll be out and about, getting some air and exposure to the outside world. It's one of the most boring adventures in the world but it's an adventure right now.

The back of my head was leaking quite a bit since I've been out of the hospital but today I've had one bandage on all day without needing to change it. This is actually hugely good news because if it continued it would have probably meant a third surgery and I cannot go through that right now, plain and simple. Just can't. I have a bit of a headache but it's not like before the first operation and it's definitely not like the headache I had when I had a cerebrospinal fluid headache. It's just a headache. This is a good thing.

One thing I can't do very well right now is focus on a narrative so this is probably skipping around a bit. I'd apologize for that but I'm guessing most of you don't care.

The tl;dr here: Things seem bleak but that's because I'm just writing about what's bothering me. I'm actually doing at least a little better one way or another every day. I think it's important for me to recognize that and not wallow in the bad stuff all the time.

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