Closed For Business

I feel like I'm waiting for something, like something is about to come to either a screeching hault or cogs are about to start moving in my life. I wish I knew which it was because this feeling tells me I'm unprepared and that I need to get prepared.

I know this sounds melodramatic, "the world held its breath" and everything like that but the fact is all through my life I've been led by feelings like this and they've often come to dramatic endings or amazing beginnings. Sometimes both. The feeling stops, and within days, *bam*, here it is, what I was waiting for.

It doesn't help that it's overcast, clouded, and sunny all at the same time - the weather plays havoc with my emotions sometimes. Right now I'm hopeful but if it gets darker and cloudier I could probably easily become moody.

I felt like this when I finally made the decision to move out of my family's house and to Buffalo. It was spur of the moment, January 15th, 2000. I was visiting Maria and decided I'd had enough. For a few days up until that point I'd been antsy, but then when that moment came it was in clarity, it was the change I needed.

Other times weren't as good - people going into the hospital, friends in trouble. Once it ended when a friend was being sexually assaulted and I happened to be coming over with some wooden weapons so we could practice sword-fighting together. I had told her just the day before that something didn't feel right about her new friend. (She was okay, just for the record. He ended up in the hospital and arrested for many different things I don't want to go into detail about here.)

This feeling, this particular feeling has almost always ended up with my life changing. Losing friends, gaining friends, big change right away, little changes that add up. Always, this has changed me or changed my life in a way that it changes me.

I don't know where I'm going, but I think I have to get ready for it. I just wish I knew where to start. Everywhere, I guess.

Addiction

Send/Receive, I hit it again and watch. Sending, receiving it tells me, server is empty and then again on my second account, but it pauses. Getting one of one? Oh joy, perhaps some words of wisdom from a friend or a reply to a reply that I wrote on theferrett's livejournal? Maybe my family finally telling me when they're coming out for the planned visit in August, or an old friend writing to say hello?

What could it...oh. Deleted spam. Wonderful, I can increase my pen 15 if I really want to.

Minutes pass and I work, hoping any minute to hear the sound, the sound that means someone has written me, the sound that means something I've said matters, the sound that makes me a real person!

Silence.

Send/Receive, I hit it again and watch.

Am I the only one who judges how well their day is going based upon how many messages they receive in that devil email box?

I think I am.