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Smoking Zombies Revisited
Sep. 28th, 2006 02:28 pmA while back I talked about why you should quit smoking before the zombies come and many people had some ideas on why I was wrong, and why in fact smoking would help them in case of a zombie attack. (If you haven't read the previous update I suggest you do because it goes in to detail on why you shouldn't smoke around zombies in the first place that I don't go in to here.)
Let's break down your arguments for why it's not a bad thing, and then I can tell you why you're completely wrong:
1. Lighting zombies on fire is the best method of killing them if you don't have a way to blow their brains out or hack their heads off or to bludgeon them to death with a big stick. So, lighting a zombie on fire is the fourth best option for killing them. Most people don't carry lighters with them if they aren't a smoker, so they couldn't do this and thus would be at the mercy of a zombie.
~A common misconception. Lighting a zombie on fire really only causes you to have an angry (as angry as they can get I suppose), flaming zombie that's still going to try to kill you. Anything it comes in touch with that is flammable will also burst in to flame, and it now has even more ways of hurting you. Now, blowing up a zombie is a good tactic, but that usually would take some kind of planning, and I'd hope your planning would involve a lighter.
2. In a nicotine fit, a smoker could punch through the skull of any encroaching zombies as long as it was on the way to the nearest pack of cigarettes.
~Have you ever seen someone in a nicotine fit? I mean, from the outside. They're snappy, sure, but they're jittery, jumpy, less likely to make good decisions. One of those bad decisions would be to run through a crowd of biting zombies to get a smoke. I can't see this leading to anything but another zombie in the crowd. Maybe I'm wrong, but having a nic fit doesn't entitle you to be stronger, faster, and more vicious (okay, maybe more vicious) than your every-day person, does it?
3. A smoker just has to outrun all the fat people.
~As a fat person, just let me say: I hate you.
4. The smoke from a cigarette will confuse a zombie instead of draw them in because you will no longer smell like a human being.
~In some cases, I agree, but if we study zombie lore then we know that some brain functions, like basic memory and minor cognitive abilities, remain behind. As so many people pointed out, you never quit being addicted to "cancer sticks," and my guess is that while the smell of cigarette smoke would confuse some zombies, you have a 50 50 chance that your particular attacker was once a smoker and if anything wants to eat your brains even more to get that juicy nicotine fix.
5. When it gets cold you'll need fire to keep warm so what about that smoke?
~This wasn't really a counterpoint so much as a good point. The smell of a regular fire may draw in more zombies, but I'm not so sure. As above, I think the scent of cigarettes would have more meaning to most zombies than the scent of a fire, in a time when there will probably be many fires burning from when gas lines go and houses go up in flame.
So that is why I think you're all mistaken.
Prove me wrong.
Let's break down your arguments for why it's not a bad thing, and then I can tell you why you're completely wrong:
1. Lighting zombies on fire is the best method of killing them if you don't have a way to blow their brains out or hack their heads off or to bludgeon them to death with a big stick. So, lighting a zombie on fire is the fourth best option for killing them. Most people don't carry lighters with them if they aren't a smoker, so they couldn't do this and thus would be at the mercy of a zombie.
~A common misconception. Lighting a zombie on fire really only causes you to have an angry (as angry as they can get I suppose), flaming zombie that's still going to try to kill you. Anything it comes in touch with that is flammable will also burst in to flame, and it now has even more ways of hurting you. Now, blowing up a zombie is a good tactic, but that usually would take some kind of planning, and I'd hope your planning would involve a lighter.
2. In a nicotine fit, a smoker could punch through the skull of any encroaching zombies as long as it was on the way to the nearest pack of cigarettes.
~Have you ever seen someone in a nicotine fit? I mean, from the outside. They're snappy, sure, but they're jittery, jumpy, less likely to make good decisions. One of those bad decisions would be to run through a crowd of biting zombies to get a smoke. I can't see this leading to anything but another zombie in the crowd. Maybe I'm wrong, but having a nic fit doesn't entitle you to be stronger, faster, and more vicious (okay, maybe more vicious) than your every-day person, does it?
3. A smoker just has to outrun all the fat people.
~As a fat person, just let me say: I hate you.
4. The smoke from a cigarette will confuse a zombie instead of draw them in because you will no longer smell like a human being.
~In some cases, I agree, but if we study zombie lore then we know that some brain functions, like basic memory and minor cognitive abilities, remain behind. As so many people pointed out, you never quit being addicted to "cancer sticks," and my guess is that while the smell of cigarette smoke would confuse some zombies, you have a 50 50 chance that your particular attacker was once a smoker and if anything wants to eat your brains even more to get that juicy nicotine fix.
5. When it gets cold you'll need fire to keep warm so what about that smoke?
~This wasn't really a counterpoint so much as a good point. The smell of a regular fire may draw in more zombies, but I'm not so sure. As above, I think the scent of cigarettes would have more meaning to most zombies than the scent of a fire, in a time when there will probably be many fires burning from when gas lines go and houses go up in flame.
So that is why I think you're all mistaken.
Prove me wrong.
