Things In Mirror May Not Be There

[jmfargo]

Every time I leave my house, I expect it to burn to the ground while I'm gone.

Every time.

Read that again. Take a moment to realize that I'm not joking. Every time I walk out the door I think it will be the last time I see the house. I step out, drive away, and a tiny part of me says goodbye to the place I live, the things I own.

Now, take a moment and imagine what that must be like. That's how I live every day.

But, it doesn't stop there.

The trucker I'm passing swerved slightly; I'm about to die in a fiery auto crash.

That dog looked at me; it's going to attack me.

My dog threw up; she's dying.

The plane is going down.

The car's check engine light is on; it's about to explode.

I smell smoke; the house is burning down.

The phone is ringing early in the morning; someone I love has been hospitalized.

Every little fear that comes into my head becomes some kind of horrible scenario that plays out in my mind to its inescapable conclusion. What would probably never even occur to most people becomes a certainty in my mind. The world is going to end, and somehow it'll be my fault.

But.

I push past this. I don't never leave the house just because I'm afraid it will burn down. Instead, I go, tell myself I'm being silly, and walk out the door. I drive past the trucker who's going to slow on the thruway and I haven't been killed, yet. I rescue the stray dogs that somehow seem to end up at my house; I haven't been bitten, let alone attacked. So it goes. I ignore the nagging thoughts of failure, pain, and loss. I go on, I conquer the fear.

I'm the bravest son of a bitch I know.

I know this isn't normal. I've been told so by many people, most of my life. If I let it take over my life I would never leave my bed, terrified of the world and what might happen. Any moment of sadness or pain would be justification of my fears. It would be a sad life I lead. I know, because it's already played out in my head now that I've thought about it.

Every day I work to get past this. I push past the fears I have and get on with my life. I find the resolve, every day, to be as alive and happy as I can be. I take a moment to confront the fears, abolish them, and move on. It's not easy, but I do it.

In this new year, I resolve to continue pushing past the fears that try to crush my life into meaninglessness, to live my life as though these unreasonable fears don't exist, and to continue to conquer them. I will not let myself fall into my mind's trap.

This resolution's a daily one, and I reconfirm it every time I get out of bed, step out the door, pet a strange dog, or even turn on my car. Every time my car doesn't explode, the dog doesn't bite me, and my house remains standing makes the next time slightly easier. Not much, but slightly. Maybe eventually I'll accept that my house will still be there when I get back.

That would be nice.

Comments

[rain-herself.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean.

[kauricat.livejournal.com]

I don't think I have it as badly as you do, but I definitely expect the house to burn down or at least be missing the TVs and computers every time I return from an overnight trip. And every time the car makes a noise it means it's going to strand me somewhere. What is that? Is it neurosis or paranoia?

You ARE brave for getting on with your life anyway.

[drgnflydreaming.livejournal.com]

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!


No, seriously. me too. I found myself nodding at all of this. Every time I turn the corner to go home, I sigh slightly and think in my head, Whew, it's still there. And I'm sure that everything is going to go to shit, every time.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

When I was young, I used to go to bed every night planning what I would do when the house caught on fire and the various evacuation routes I would take depending on where the fire started and what I would take with me.

[meopta.livejournal.com]

It's NOT normal?

[venakali.livejournal.com]

I see the effects of horrible car accidents every day at work, but I never think like this. I will get nervous in heavy traffic, though.

[abbismom.livejournal.com]

"I'm the bravest son of a bitch I know." What an awesome line. Great entry.

[tigrkittn.livejournal.com]

Bravo!

[epiclevelregina.livejournal.com]

I'm the same way. Thank you for writing this.

[jenandbronze.livejournal.com]

This is quite true in my opinion, since there is so many bad things that happen, I have to put the fears behind me and truck along and move on, and push past everything.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I feel the same way. I am glad you wrote this.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

I think everyone has some sort of unreasonable fear. Some more severe than others. I'm glad you push through though. Happy New Year. You can pet my dog, he won't bite!

[bunnykissd.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}}

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

: ( Anxiety is such an awful curse. ::hugs:: Good writing, though. : )

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

Wow. That must be very hard. Thanks for writing this. It's a great entry.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Great entry, and it gives me a little more insight into you and the zombie icon you always use!

[1mother1.livejournal.com]

I use to think that way when I was younger. As I grew into my Christian life the material things don't matter to me. I would be sad if my house burned down but then again I would have a new house because I have insurance. I would be sad that my pictures would be lost and seeing Jesse has threatened to burn down the house I'm thinking I need to move them.
I'm not afraid of dying either, I look forward to it. Seeing Jesus would be the ultimate. I'm sure some of you think I'm crazy.

[shadowwolf13]

At least you're not letting it consume and control you. :)

Great post.

[scienter.livejournal.com]

I've certainly spent a fair share of time creating the worst possible outcome for many of life's hiccups. Like you, it's just a matter of pushing past it and not letting it control you. I tell my brain to eff off quite a lot.

I hope 2009 brings you joy, happiness and more and more ease each day.

[walkertxkitty.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how this feels. It got so bad I finally did break down and talk to my doctor about it. While it's not for everyone, the anti-anxiety meds did help a lot. Those thoughts still come up but I can deal with them. Don't be afraid to ask for that kind of help if it gets too bad. I know what "too bad" is like; at one point, I was staying up all night on the computer because I was convinced that if I slept during the night I would die.

[shamelesss1.livejournal.com]

So glad to know I'm not the only one.

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

I liked this fresh look at the subject.

[boxsofrain.livejournal.com]

WONDERFUL entry. :)

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

Another one with the me too carriage!

[(Anonymous)]

For me, the house won't burn down every time I leave, just every time I leave for more than a day. The cat will freeze to death if I'm out shopping too long. What's the best thing to use as a make-shift weapon depending on which room I'm in if someone broke in while I'm - eating, sleeping, typing in someones livejournal (fire poker is about 7 feet away... or the cat on my lap makes a good projectile with claws). I have trouble getting out of bed most mornings, but I think that's just because I'm lazy.

We saw a Police Tech Van drive down the street late last night. Our first thought was "Tech Van? That means something bad happened.... Zombies?!"

-tt