Things In Mirror May Not Be There

[jmfargo]

Every time I leave my house, I expect it to burn to the ground while I'm gone.

Every time.

Read that again. Take a moment to realize that I'm not joking. Every time I walk out the door I think it will be the last time I see the house. I step out, drive away, and a tiny part of me says goodbye to the place I live, the things I own.

Now, take a moment and imagine what that must be like. That's how I live every day.

But, it doesn't stop there.

The trucker I'm passing swerved slightly; I'm about to die in a fiery auto crash.

That dog looked at me; it's going to attack me.

My dog threw up; she's dying.

The plane is going down.

The car's check engine light is on; it's about to explode.

I smell smoke; the house is burning down.

The phone is ringing early in the morning; someone I love has been hospitalized.

Every little fear that comes into my head becomes some kind of horrible scenario that plays out in my mind to its inescapable conclusion. What would probably never even occur to most people becomes a certainty in my mind. The world is going to end, and somehow it'll be my fault.

But.

I push past this. I don't never leave the house just because I'm afraid it will burn down. Instead, I go, tell myself I'm being silly, and walk out the door. I drive past the trucker who's going to slow on the thruway and I haven't been killed, yet. I rescue the stray dogs that somehow seem to end up at my house; I haven't been bitten, let alone attacked. So it goes. I ignore the nagging thoughts of failure, pain, and loss. I go on, I conquer the fear.

I'm the bravest son of a bitch I know.

I know this isn't normal. I've been told so by many people, most of my life. If I let it take over my life I would never leave my bed, terrified of the world and what might happen. Any moment of sadness or pain would be justification of my fears. It would be a sad life I lead. I know, because it's already played out in my head now that I've thought about it.

Every day I work to get past this. I push past the fears I have and get on with my life. I find the resolve, every day, to be as alive and happy as I can be. I take a moment to confront the fears, abolish them, and move on. It's not easy, but I do it.

In this new year, I resolve to continue pushing past the fears that try to crush my life into meaninglessness, to live my life as though these unreasonable fears don't exist, and to continue to conquer them. I will not let myself fall into my mind's trap.

This resolution's a daily one, and I reconfirm it every time I get out of bed, step out the door, pet a strange dog, or even turn on my car. Every time my car doesn't explode, the dog doesn't bite me, and my house remains standing makes the next time slightly easier. Not much, but slightly. Maybe eventually I'll accept that my house will still be there when I get back.

That would be nice.

Comments

[rain-herself.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

I was surprised that the first response was along this vein. I thought it would be something more like "You're crazy, dude. Go see someone about this."

Then all the comments started coming in, and it seems I'm not as screwed up/alone as I thought.

Thanks.

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

seconded.

[kauricat.livejournal.com]

I don't think I have it as badly as you do, but I definitely expect the house to burn down or at least be missing the TVs and computers every time I return from an overnight trip. And every time the car makes a noise it means it's going to strand me somewhere. What is that? Is it neurosis or paranoia?

You ARE brave for getting on with your life anyway.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

I think it's paranoia, but as I've never actually gone to have it checked out I couldn't say for certain.

I say I'm brave, but it's with a small smile and a laugh. I mean, it's just how I live, you know? I DO realize I'm being unreasonable when I have these thoughts, so it makes it easier to be a little brave.

[enchanted-eve.livejournal.com]

I also don't think I have it as bad but I get these worries too (sometimes worse then others) and mine are of both bad things (leaving overnight means maybe the house won't be there when I get back) and also stupid or embarrassing things too... Hang in there!
:) M

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

*nods* I have the stupid/embarrassing things too, but those are "easy" to ignore when I'm concerned that if I step out into the road that I've checked three times, a car that I didn't see will come out of nowhere and hit me.

Because, you know, apparently my brain thinks cars are hard to see in broad daylight. Heh.

[drgnflydreaming.livejournal.com]

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!


No, seriously. me too. I found myself nodding at all of this. Every time I turn the corner to go home, I sigh slightly and think in my head, Whew, it's still there. And I'm sure that everything is going to go to shit, every time.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

I've been really surprised at all of the "me too" comments. Glad to hear I'm not alone, though I'm sorry that other people go through this.

[serene-orange.livejournal.com]

When I was young, I used to go to bed every night planning what I would do when the house caught on fire and the various evacuation routes I would take depending on where the fire started and what I would take with me.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

I still do that.

I think that focusing on zombies may be my way of dealing with this; when situations become overly worrisome, I focus on something that probably/maybe isn't going to happen RIGHT NOW. Kind of my way of controlling the worries.

[meopta.livejournal.com]

It's NOT normal?

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

I didn't think it was, but apparently it's more normal than I believed, judging by the comments.

[venakali.livejournal.com]

I see the effects of horrible car accidents every day at work, but I never think like this. I will get nervous in heavy traffic, though.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

I think that if I had to see the effects of horrible car accidents every day, I'd stop driving. Or riding in cars. Or biking. Or going outside. ;)

[venakali.livejournal.com]

Ah, but even inside, someone can lose control of the car and drive into your house ;D

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

I'd say that I'll start staying in the third bedroom, toward the back of the house, but I know (because I've thought about this) that someone could theoretically crash into the tree out back (or, more likely, a storm could knock it down) and the tree would fall in, crushing me under the house.

Yes, my brain is messed up.

[abbismom.livejournal.com]

"I'm the bravest son of a bitch I know." What an awesome line. Great entry.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm flattered.

[tigrkittn.livejournal.com]

Bravo!

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[epiclevelregina.livejournal.com]

I'm the same way. Thank you for writing this.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

It's a strange little world we live in. I don't like the fact that I'm so negative, but it is what it is, and I've learned to live with it.

On the plus side, it's helped me deal with bad things when they happen; I'm already expecting it, so I've already started making the plan before I know it's been done.

[jenandbronze.livejournal.com]

This is quite true in my opinion, since there is so many bad things that happen, I have to put the fears behind me and truck along and move on, and push past everything.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I feel the same way. I am glad you wrote this.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

I think everyone has some sort of unreasonable fear. Some more severe than others. I'm glad you push through though. Happy New Year. You can pet my dog, he won't bite!

Re:

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

The dog biting thing isn't too bad. I'm not honestly scared that they're going to bite me; I've already accepted that it's going to happen. I don't know if that difference makes any sense, but it's the difference between me staying away because I'm scared and petting them because I want to pet them.

Yes, I'm strange.

Re:

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Strange is ok. Aren't we all?

[bunnykissd.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}}

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

: ( Anxiety is such an awful curse. ::hugs:: Good writing, though. : )

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

Wow. That must be very hard. Thanks for writing this. It's a great entry.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Great entry, and it gives me a little more insight into you and the zombie icon you always use!

[1mother1.livejournal.com]

I use to think that way when I was younger. As I grew into my Christian life the material things don't matter to me. I would be sad if my house burned down but then again I would have a new house because I have insurance. I would be sad that my pictures would be lost and seeing Jesse has threatened to burn down the house I'm thinking I need to move them.
I'm not afraid of dying either, I look forward to it. Seeing Jesus would be the ultimate. I'm sure some of you think I'm crazy.

[shadowwolf13]

At least you're not letting it consume and control you. :)

Great post.

[scienter.livejournal.com]

I've certainly spent a fair share of time creating the worst possible outcome for many of life's hiccups. Like you, it's just a matter of pushing past it and not letting it control you. I tell my brain to eff off quite a lot.

I hope 2009 brings you joy, happiness and more and more ease each day.

[walkertxkitty.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how this feels. It got so bad I finally did break down and talk to my doctor about it. While it's not for everyone, the anti-anxiety meds did help a lot. Those thoughts still come up but I can deal with them. Don't be afraid to ask for that kind of help if it gets too bad. I know what "too bad" is like; at one point, I was staying up all night on the computer because I was convinced that if I slept during the night I would die.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

Thankfully it has never gotten so bad that it's affected my health. It's just worries, things that I know are irrational and thus can force myself to deal with. Should it ever come to the point where I won't leave the house/sleep/do things I should because of the worries, then I'll definitely seek help.

I'm not afraid to say "I can't handle this. Help."

[shamelesss1.livejournal.com]

So glad to know I'm not the only one.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

Apparently we're definitely not alone, looking at all these replies!

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

I liked this fresh look at the subject.

[boxsofrain.livejournal.com]

WONDERFUL entry. :)

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

Another one with the me too carriage!

[(Anonymous)]

For me, the house won't burn down every time I leave, just every time I leave for more than a day. The cat will freeze to death if I'm out shopping too long. What's the best thing to use as a make-shift weapon depending on which room I'm in if someone broke in while I'm - eating, sleeping, typing in someones livejournal (fire poker is about 7 feet away... or the cat on my lap makes a good projectile with claws). I have trouble getting out of bed most mornings, but I think that's just because I'm lazy.

We saw a Police Tech Van drive down the street late last night. Our first thought was "Tech Van? That means something bad happened.... Zombies?!"

-tt