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Less Than Human
Aug. 26th, 2008 10:12 amFeeling sub-par lately. I'm okay right now, the blood pumping from my morning aerobic workout, but the past couple evenings have been sort of a mishmash of feeling out of place and upset. The worst part is that I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from; I pride myself on knowing (even if I don't admit it) why I'm feeling or acting the way that I am. I like to think I'm very in touch with myself. For some reason, that's been skewed lately.
Still, the more I think about it (as in, "this is coming to me right now") the more I think it may stem from frustration as the root, with other little things coming in from the side. I'm frustrated lately a lot over my weight, which is silly because I'm actually doing fairly well despite a few setbacks. I'm frustrated that I'm not rolling in the money, which is also silly because I'm not doing anything that should have me raking in the dough yet. I'm frustrated at the fact that, well, let's just say that I'm generally frustrated.
If someone else were saying "I'm frustrated, but that's silly" I'd tell them that feelings can't be helped. If you're frustrated, then you're frustrated, and that's that. You can't wish it away by saying that it's silly, you have to face the frustration head-on. You shouldn't make yourself feel bad for feeling the way you do, you have to just accept that it is what it is, and deal with it. If you tell yourself "But that's silly" then you're trivializing your emotions, which does nothing but make you feel small about yourself, and helps in no way what-so-ever.
So, instead of belittling my own feelings, let me take a quick look at them.
I'm frustrated about my weight. Well, today I bought a tape-measure as has been suggested by many people, and hopefully that can help show some improvement in areas other than weight. Maybe I really am putting on muscle and taking off fat, and if so then the tape will show it. Great. Even if that doesn't help, I'm working hard, and lost a little weight according to the Wii Fit, so that's good too.
I'm frustrated that I'm not raking in the money. Well, that has a lot to do with the fact that my job has turned into a one-week-a-month kind of position more than anything else. The queue is virtually empty, except for the first week of the month, during which time it's full from sunrise to sunset. I've put in roughly 19 applications in the past week and a half, heard back from a few, and am looking forward to learning about the other ones. About 8 of those 19 applications are ones I really kind of care about and am interested in learning more. I've heard nothing back yet, but we'll see. In the mean time, if I keep applying, and keep doing what work I can (AND maybe this cooking competition thing will pay off), then I can take solace in the fact that I'm pushing my hardest and really trying.
Other general frustrations can be faced down, but those two are the biggies. It's easier to hide the frustration under a veneer of anger and depression, but if I face those emotions, really adjust my thinking to realize where it's coming from, then I don't have to hide anything, and I can stop being down on myself for being an inconsolable ass.
/introspection
Still, the more I think about it (as in, "this is coming to me right now") the more I think it may stem from frustration as the root, with other little things coming in from the side. I'm frustrated lately a lot over my weight, which is silly because I'm actually doing fairly well despite a few setbacks. I'm frustrated that I'm not rolling in the money, which is also silly because I'm not doing anything that should have me raking in the dough yet. I'm frustrated at the fact that, well, let's just say that I'm generally frustrated.
If someone else were saying "I'm frustrated, but that's silly" I'd tell them that feelings can't be helped. If you're frustrated, then you're frustrated, and that's that. You can't wish it away by saying that it's silly, you have to face the frustration head-on. You shouldn't make yourself feel bad for feeling the way you do, you have to just accept that it is what it is, and deal with it. If you tell yourself "But that's silly" then you're trivializing your emotions, which does nothing but make you feel small about yourself, and helps in no way what-so-ever.
So, instead of belittling my own feelings, let me take a quick look at them.
I'm frustrated about my weight. Well, today I bought a tape-measure as has been suggested by many people, and hopefully that can help show some improvement in areas other than weight. Maybe I really am putting on muscle and taking off fat, and if so then the tape will show it. Great. Even if that doesn't help, I'm working hard, and lost a little weight according to the Wii Fit, so that's good too.
I'm frustrated that I'm not raking in the money. Well, that has a lot to do with the fact that my job has turned into a one-week-a-month kind of position more than anything else. The queue is virtually empty, except for the first week of the month, during which time it's full from sunrise to sunset. I've put in roughly 19 applications in the past week and a half, heard back from a few, and am looking forward to learning about the other ones. About 8 of those 19 applications are ones I really kind of care about and am interested in learning more. I've heard nothing back yet, but we'll see. In the mean time, if I keep applying, and keep doing what work I can (AND maybe this cooking competition thing will pay off), then I can take solace in the fact that I'm pushing my hardest and really trying.
Other general frustrations can be faced down, but those two are the biggies. It's easier to hide the frustration under a veneer of anger and depression, but if I face those emotions, really adjust my thinking to realize where it's coming from, then I don't have to hide anything, and I can stop being down on myself for being an inconsolable ass.
/introspection
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