Wishes, or Truth?

[jmfargo]

I'm a pretty easy going guy, and it takes a lot to really get me riled up. People have commented on this, in fact. Now don't get me wrong, I'll yell at the jack ass that just cut me off, or the moron that wont' get off my bumper at 70 miles per hour, but outside of a car I'm a calm, lucid, caring individual. Things just don't shake me much.

Or at least, that's what I see.

Sometimes, I think the world might see me a little differently. I've started tracking my behavior a little bit, and I realize that maybe I react in anger more often than I realize, but I never registered it that way because I always thought of anger as "I'm gonna KILL you!!" kind of yelling.

Instead, I sigh deeply, shake my head, go quiet, and ignore. Doesn't matter what it is, I ignore it. No, it's not a silent treatment, instead my entire body goes into a language mode that says "I don't care what you're saying, you're nothing to me." Sure, my face might say something else, but I think that from the outside it's fairly obvious that whatever emotions are there are just masks. I'm not sure, though, I'm on the inside.

Am I the only one that realized I don't have as good a hold on myself as I thought? It seems sometimes as though I'm not as in control as I thought, and that I don't know myself quite as much as I thought. It's one of the big reasons I signed up for the Johari and Nohari windows, to see what people thought of me so that I could assess it in a calm and critical manner.

What do you think? If you know me, am I calm, or am I deluding myself? If you don't know me personally, are you a calm, or angry person? Would the people in your life describe you as what you think you are? Sometimes the people around us are the most poigniant mirror.

Comments

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

Actually one of my biggest problems in my writing is that I tend to come across as detached, and I'm not sure how to fix that. See, I'm really a passionate person, with huge dreams, goals that I strive towards but don't ever really feel like I'm every actually going to reach, and hopes for my future. Everything I write, however, seems to stem from some other party that doesn't really give a damn.

I'm passionate, but reserved. The undercurrent of tension in my writing? I'm not quite sure where that comes from. I'm quite often tense, but usually in strictly metaphysical terms. You know, tense, but for no real reason?

[akdidge.livejournal.com]

-- The undercurrent of tension in my writing? I'm not quite sure where that comes from. --

It comes from your own innate Pessimism.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

That's probably more true than not. I am, innately, a pessimist. However, I strive against this, and try to look at the world in a better way and keep things good. I sincereley believe that by giving yourself a more positive outlook in life you CAN shape change, but it's extremly subtle, and sometimes not worth the trouble.

Thus, though I tend to initially look at things in the worst light, I always try to ask myself "Well, how could this be good? What can I do to make it better?"

I think it helps, but maybe it does lead to a bit of tension that wouldn't be there otherwise. Or maybe the tension just IS the pessimism, as you suggest.

I'm in a writing mood today. I just wrote a ~book~ to answer one of TT's replies to one of today's entries. In a good mood, despite, well, it goes without saying.