Wishes, or Truth?

[jmfargo]

I'm a pretty easy going guy, and it takes a lot to really get me riled up. People have commented on this, in fact. Now don't get me wrong, I'll yell at the jack ass that just cut me off, or the moron that wont' get off my bumper at 70 miles per hour, but outside of a car I'm a calm, lucid, caring individual. Things just don't shake me much.

Or at least, that's what I see.

Sometimes, I think the world might see me a little differently. I've started tracking my behavior a little bit, and I realize that maybe I react in anger more often than I realize, but I never registered it that way because I always thought of anger as "I'm gonna KILL you!!" kind of yelling.

Instead, I sigh deeply, shake my head, go quiet, and ignore. Doesn't matter what it is, I ignore it. No, it's not a silent treatment, instead my entire body goes into a language mode that says "I don't care what you're saying, you're nothing to me." Sure, my face might say something else, but I think that from the outside it's fairly obvious that whatever emotions are there are just masks. I'm not sure, though, I'm on the inside.

Am I the only one that realized I don't have as good a hold on myself as I thought? It seems sometimes as though I'm not as in control as I thought, and that I don't know myself quite as much as I thought. It's one of the big reasons I signed up for the Johari and Nohari windows, to see what people thought of me so that I could assess it in a calm and critical manner.

What do you think? If you know me, am I calm, or am I deluding myself? If you don't know me personally, are you a calm, or angry person? Would the people in your life describe you as what you think you are? Sometimes the people around us are the most poigniant mirror.

Comments

[akdidge.livejournal.com]

I'm a sick, sadistic person. I just proved it via my latest journal entry. I tend to get very vocal but I don't consider that mad. I've had girlfriends in the past that say, "Stop yelling at me," to which I respond, "I'm not yelling." I tend to get loud, but to me that's not yelling. When I'm passionate about a discussion I raise my voice. It's what I was taught to do. I can really project my voice when I get mad however, and I've seen windows vibrate from the shock waves of my voice before.

This is one of the main reasons why I try to act calm and collected but it doesn't always work.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

*nods* When I get excited or passionate I start to get loud. People don't seem to have the same definition of "yelling" as I do - you have to be angry to really be yelling. Otherwise you're just being loud.

I think it's a family thing, with so many kids you had to get loud to show you were excited and that people should listen to you instead of the four other talking heads.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

By the way, you still haven't done the Nohari window thing. No big deal if you didn't want to, but I'm really curious as to your thoughts.

[akdidge.livejournal.com]

I didn't? Ok, I'l lget on that sometime today. Or maybe tomorrow. Kinda busy today all of a sudden. Meetings you understand. I've got three scheduled and one popped up earlier. Wheee.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah, of course, no worries. It's not like it's that big of a deal, but I remembered you asked whether or not you did both windows, and I finally got around to checking, so I thought I'd let you know.

Sounds like a crazy day. Handling it well? I mean, you're only a 10 year old girl, they shouldn't put so much stress on you!

[akdidge.livejournal.com]

I agree being ten and...err..wait...nevermind.

Seriously though, I don't mind the hubbub of it all, it just gets old fast. I've got one more big one to go to tonight and that one lasts until 6PM *YIKES* I normally am off work at 4:30-ish. Oh well at least I can leave early tomorrow.

[akdidge.livejournal.com]

Just filled it out. As with you I took what I perceived, and in no shape, fault, or blame place any of these over generalized stigma's on you. Unless they fit. ;)

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

Thanks for filling it out. Not a bad few to pick according to someone that knows me very well (Maria). Only one she disagrees with is aloof.

Thanks for doing that for me. :)

[cieo.livejournal.com]

I'm probably not as calm as I'd like to think I am. I'm probably not as nice as my friends think I am. I'm probably not as big of a bitch that my dad thinks I am.

To be honest, I don't know how I come across to someone who knows me well enough to describe me but doesn't know me well enough to care about editing their words.

In general, I believe that most people have a very polarized views of themselves in some respect, either as the best or the worst at any given thing.

You know, I wouldn't call you calm, and I can't put a finger on why. I've never MET you, and I've never spoken to you. Perhaps it is in my imagination (which does tend to run wild at times), but I often sense a slight undercurrent of tension in your writing. You're so detached that I feel like you're restraining yourself a lot more than you should.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

Actually one of my biggest problems in my writing is that I tend to come across as detached, and I'm not sure how to fix that. See, I'm really a passionate person, with huge dreams, goals that I strive towards but don't ever really feel like I'm every actually going to reach, and hopes for my future. Everything I write, however, seems to stem from some other party that doesn't really give a damn.

I'm passionate, but reserved. The undercurrent of tension in my writing? I'm not quite sure where that comes from. I'm quite often tense, but usually in strictly metaphysical terms. You know, tense, but for no real reason?

[akdidge.livejournal.com]

-- The undercurrent of tension in my writing? I'm not quite sure where that comes from. --

It comes from your own innate Pessimism.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

That's probably more true than not. I am, innately, a pessimist. However, I strive against this, and try to look at the world in a better way and keep things good. I sincereley believe that by giving yourself a more positive outlook in life you CAN shape change, but it's extremly subtle, and sometimes not worth the trouble.

Thus, though I tend to initially look at things in the worst light, I always try to ask myself "Well, how could this be good? What can I do to make it better?"

I think it helps, but maybe it does lead to a bit of tension that wouldn't be there otherwise. Or maybe the tension just IS the pessimism, as you suggest.

I'm in a writing mood today. I just wrote a ~book~ to answer one of TT's replies to one of today's entries. In a good mood, despite, well, it goes without saying.

[polotono.livejournal.com]

I tend to see myself as a passionate and intense person when the subject at hand is just right but I can easily become over-baring with the same thing.

I've always chalked it up to a lack of interest in other peoples... well... interests. Just a thing growing up. If someone had too much attention or focus on them for something a knew as "beating a dead horse", I'd got over the top to swing the pendulum no matter if it was my way or not.

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

Polotono! Hurray!

Welcome to livejournal. :)

Just for the record, I see you as a person of passion and intensity, so you've nailed that right on the head. Keep swinging that pendulum. :)